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  • Writer's pictureLona

Befriending the Enemy Within

I FUCKING HATE YOU! You're worthless and meaningless and stupid! This is the conversation that I, and probably you, have had many times in your life... with yourself. There are parts of us that we just can't stand sometimes! So, we hide them, shame them, and belittle them in hopes that they'll just magically go away. How's that been working out so far? Befriending these parts of yourself could actually be better at letting them go!

I'm deep into learning to become a coach now! And this process has been transformative in ways I couldn't even imagine! I thought this coaching would be kinda like talk therapy. Just talking about your issues and making connections and hopefully showing you a way out. But it's so much more than that! This coaching methodology, called the VITA approach, is about helping you heal the bullshit through the nervous system. Talk therapy just touches the logical mind, and it has it's place, but it won't actually be able to heal your thought processes, conditioning, and behavioral patterns. That all has to go through the nervous system! So, here's one method I've just learned for dealing with those pesky enemies within!

The LOST self. No matter how amazing or terrible your parents were they most certainly wanted to control parts of your behavior. Hey, that's just how parenting goes. So, if you were loud, maybe they labeled you as annoying. If you were sensitive, maybe they labeled you as weak. If you were joyful and sensual (natural child tendencies), maybe they labeled you as too sexual or had you diagnosed with ADHD because you wouldn't pay attention in school. Whatever it was, and there are many, your parents or caretakers unknowingly created a lost self within you.

Basically, we need our parents to survive. So, in the primal brain we will do anything to fit in with our caretakers and be accepted by them so they keep us alive. It's a matter of life and death! If they say, "you're too loud, can't you just be quiet?", then your primal brain will unconsciously say, "if you want to survive you'll have to be quiet!". Over time, most of us will then lose that part of ourselves that is free and loud and invasive. You'll become quieter and calmer and more manageable. Which your parents loved and celebrated! When you see other kids that are loud, you'll judge them because you can't be like that. All of this will be subconscious.

You'll have created a FALSE self of being quiet and manageable. This is not your true essence, because that was loud. When you are a kid, you just act like your true self until someone tells you otherwise. You'll go through many years of your life as this quiet, manageable person, judging those who are able to express their true essence of being loud. Eventually, you'll start to find that people don't like the quiet part of you. You'll be too shy, a wallflower, boring, uninterested. These undesirable parts of your false self will be really hard to deal with. Consciously, you won't understand. But subconsciously, your nervous system is unbalanced. These unwanted parts of your false self turn into your DISOWNED self.

But here's where it gets really interesting when it comes to relationships! We unconsciously seek partners who are able to express their lost selves. That's why you usually find quiet people are with loud people, sexually repressed people choose sexually expressed people, sensitive people are with insensitive people. Your nervous system finds these people "more authentic" because they can be what you can't. Of course, these people are also going through their own lost, false, and disowned identities, they just don't match yours! This kind of match feels so real, and intense! The romantic phase of these relationships is usually very deep and people fall hard.

However, once you reach a level of commitment where you can settle more into each other (like getting engaged, making big promises to each other, or moving in together), you'll start to see their disowned sides more clearly. Where you once loved that they were sexually free, now you find that gross. You fell for how reserved they were, but now find that they are withdrawn from you emotionally. We looked to our partners to fill in the gaps of who we are but that comes with their own baggage. And this pattern repeats over and over and over again. Only when you can address the lost, false, and disowned self within you can you start to overcome this intensely strong programming from the primal brain!

And this is where VITA coaching comes in! Through creating a relationship through the nervous system with these lost, false, and disowned parts, you can regain your power in the true seat of your original essence! You can reclaim the loud, sensitive, sexual sides of you that you discarded years ago in order to "survive". It's such a beautiful process to witness! And I'm so incredibly grateful to be learning this revolutionary process!

INSPIRED ACTION: If this process is intriguing to you then maybe I can help. In a few months I'll be looking to recruit many people to practice on before I get fully certified! These sessions will be donation based or free, as I'm still learning. If you want to be involved in this process (and I'll need many!) then email me at with the subject "Give Me Coaching" to be added to my list! If everything works out, you'll get a super reduced coaching session, and I'll get to practice all my skills on amazing clients! Win/Win!

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