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  • Writer's pictureLona

Serious Science, Steamy Situations: Your Brain is Designed to be in Relationships

Updated: Apr 25

Your brain is designed to be in relationship!

The passions swirled between them, their eyes meeting, their bodies touching, their clothes abandoned long ago. She took control and said, "you want it inside sweetheart?", her strap on teasing the entrance. She replied, "put it in!". Both of their bodies ached and relaxed and a rush of delicious chemicals flooded their brains. After a long session they cuddled the rest of the night. Their brains again awash with dopamine and oxytocin. The next morning as she left for work, she kissed her on the forehead and said, "I love you, can't wait for later". Both of their brains were oozing in feel-good hormones and neurotransmitters. This is the reward system the brain uses to ensure you get into and stay in relationships. Why else would we do it if it didn't feel so damn good?!

Almost everything about your brain is designed to be in relationships with other humans. Familial, community, friendship, and especially romantic! From the very moment of conception, you need to be accepted to survive. As the brain evolved it realized that it can hardly survive alone, and that in deep relationship with other's it has the best chance of survival. Your brain's need for relationships is an evolutionary intention. Each person is unique, and even asexual people have this brain chemistry, it just might not be sexual relationships that are desired. Here's the science that explains why we all desire to be in relationships.

Rewards System Activation. The brain rewards you with feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin when you engage in social interactions and have delightful connections with others. This rewards system keeps you coming back for more. And it works especially well in romantic connection. It can work against you as well. Like making you feel lonely or longing for connection when you're in a period of time that has less relationships. The brain wants to motivate you to go out and get in relationships!

Emotional Regulation. Life is stressful. Insert exhaustive list here of how it can be tough. The brain's limbic system, including the hippocampus and amygdala, plays a decisive role in processing and regulating emotions. Healthy relationships provide a supportive environment for emotional regulation. Long story short, these healthy relationships help people cope with this stress and adversity because our nervous systems can co-regulate with each other. It means in relationships, life is easier!

Attachment Theory. This theory shows that humans have an innate drive to form close emotional bonds with others, starting with your caretakers. When born, your brain wants to ensure that you are accepted by your caretakers, or you will die. This last part about dying is important, because it doesn't leave the brain as you advance into adulthood. So, your brain still needs these close relationships (especially romantically) all the way up until you die.

(If you want to know more about attachment theory click here: Becoming Secure: My Journey Through Attachment Styles ( )

Communication and Empathy. Effective communication is fundamental to successful relationships, and the brain is equipped with specialized circuits for language processing and comprehension. Additionally, our ability to empathize—putting ourselves in others' shoes and understanding their emotions—is supported by mirror neurons and other brain structures involved in social cognition.

Overall, the brain is intricately designed to seek, form, and maintain relationships throughout life. From the neural circuits dedicated to social cognition to the release of neurochemicals that reinforce social bonds, our brains are finely tuned for connection, intimacy, and love.

I actually think it's hilarious thinking about a scientist studying our sexual relationships. Watching two lesbians having sex and testing their hormonal response. Seeing if a forehead kiss does the same thing. Finding the optimal cuddle time for feel-good injection. This is serious science in steamy situations! And the moral of this study is that you are not broken if you desire to be in a relationship! So much well-intending self-help advice tells you that you don't need a relationship to be happy. And while that's true, it glosses over the fact that if you want that relationship and think you'll be happier, then that's ok, too! More than ok! That's your neurobiology working in perfect condition.

You can be happy in literally any situation if you choose to be. You can also be unhappy in any situation if you choose to be. Neither situation will change the fact that your brain will reward you heavily for being in healthy relationships.

If you're in a relationship and can't find that bliss, or if your relationships keep falling apart and you want to know why then sign up for a Bliss Blueprint Discovery Call. This complimentary call is the gateway to working with me in coaching. I'm a sex, love, and relationship coach and you are not broken! You are whole and might just need some help remembering! Sign up for a call today:

INSPIRED ACTION: Were you ever disheartened when you were single and someone told you that you don't need a relationship to be happy? Did this make you feel invalidated? Unheard? Unseen? Reflect on how we can start to change this narrative and be more supportive of people searching for relationship.


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