I was surviving. I had been to therapy for years, I was doing yoga everyday, I meditated consistently. I knew ALL about my trauma. Oh yes! I made all the connections, I understood that it wasn't my fault, I even started to forgive those men. But I wasn't thriving. I wasn't in my juicy sexuality. I wasn't an incredible lover. I wasn't finding bliss around every corner. If anything, I was finding more triggers, and flashbacks, and unresolved trauma. It wasn't until I actively engaged with my past pain and trauma that I was able to start thriving!
To actively engage, that doesn't mean through the mind. To think about trauma is very different from actively engaging with it through the body. I could intellectualize for days about my trauma. I remember one time I was opening up to a new friend about some of it and she commented that I seemed very disconnected from it. Basically, she was asking why I wasn't crying?! How could I talk about it so unemotionally? I told her, "oh, I've cried enough about this one". And I'm not saying you've got to cry every time you talk about it. But she was right (I realized years later), I was disconnected from the body sensations of my trauma.
And for good reason. My body was a scary place. I never knew what sensations would arise, or what they meant, or how to deal with them. So, I shoved them deep down inside when they arose. If the sensation of fear of men came up, I would have sex with more men to prove to my body that I wasn't scared. But I wouldn't investigate how that fear was showing up. I could intellectually make the connection of why I was afraid of men, and I thought that was enough. It was cool, because I knew. Now shut up body!
When I began the VITA program to become a revolutionary coach, I thought I was ahead of the game because I had made all the mental connections. The first 3 months of the program are all about your own personal development journey. The first time we dropped into the felt sense of the body and my fear came up I was terrified. I froze (my conditioned response to this trauma). Then, instead of stopping, which would've been the safe thing to do, I dove deeper into the pleasure practice. Again, another conditioned response. Mentally, I could find pleasure. But physically, I was disconnected.
It wasn't until I started getting coached one-on-one with other peers that I discovered the power of directly engaging with the past pain. Having a coach there made it so much easier! And she didn't let me disengage. She kept, safely, returning me to my body. To the sensations of fear. I was safe in that moment with her, so I could see what it was like to feel the fear. The fear always shows up as anger first for me. I exploded in rage at all these fucking men! She encouraged me to feel into my body again. Something strange was happening. The anger was melting away quickly, and behind it the fear showed up.
This time I didn't pull away; this time I allowed the fear. I felt so safe here with her. I wasn't alone. I had support. I could engage with the fear and see what it wanted. The sensations were uncomfortable, but I was still safe. I shook. I writhed. Then she encouraged me to speak to it directly. "What do you want fear?!". To my surprise, it responded "safety". I said, "I can give you safety". My coach encouraged me to give it. Not just think it, but to visualize the fear that was speaking through my body, and to visualize what giving it safety would look like.
The fear was a decrepit, all-black figure hunched over. Not scary, as I first had thought, but sad upon deeper investigation. Full of sadness. I allowed the visualization to come to me naturally. And as I walked over to the figure an iridescent bubble emerged from my heart and surrounded the figure. Safety. The look on his face was curious, and he started to stand up straighter. A smile beginning to broaden his cheeks. Then I walked through the bubble and hugged him. He was confused and startled by this, but I kept hugging. Then he slowly began to relax and receive this safety hug.
This was the beginning of my somatic journey to heal my past by directly engaging with it. To date, I have experienced no greater healing than through direct engagement. Even though it may be scary, it can be done safely, especially when held by a trained somatic healer. Your fear, or sadness, or anger, or shame will most certainly show up different than mine. That's the beauty of this kind of process; it's customized completely to your unique expression of your past pain. Somatic healing doesn't rely on the mind, it goes directly to the body sensations to discover the source of the pain and heal it from there. I'm not trying to get you to find something specific or pre-imagined. I allow you to find it yourself through gentle, safer guidance. And if you get too much into the flashbacks or overwhelm, we take a step back and find safety again. There is no healing without safety.
I invite you to join a Bliss Blueprint Discovery Call today to see if this kind of coaching aligns with your healing journey. In this complimentary 30-minute call you'll share your desires, and I'll share the blueprint to healing so that you can live from bliss instead of conditioned responses. There's no icky sales tactics, just an open discussion about the coaching and your potential journey into it. Check it out here: www.lonateachesbliss.com/coaching
INSPIRED ACTION: Who are you beyond your past paint and trauma? What in your life is just a reaction to that trauma? Can you imagine what life would be without it? Journal about these answers. It's all possible.