Healing daddy issues is tough. And boy do I have daddy issues. I have so many daddy issues that maybe you notice I spell daddy without a capital D. It's because I don't see the respect in that title. That is, until I got my Somatic Daddy. It's a sign of respect that I capitalize it just for him. Now, before you get your panties all in a twist about me calling someone Daddy who isn't my daddy, let me just tell you that this has been one the most profoundly healing methods I've ever used. Let me explain.
I guess I'll start at the beginning. When I was 7 my mom came into my room in the middle of the night and told me to go to the car. As I walked out of the house I saw my father across the room with 2 police officers. I didn't see him again after that day for 19 years. I met him twice before he died. Both meetings were generally fine. He told me he thought about me every day and wanted to be closer to me, and that the reason he fell so low after we left was because having your children taken away was the worst thing that could happen to someone. The reason my mom left was his drug use and severe bipolar disorder which he did not get help for.
I was a bit overwhelmed with meeting him (in fact I had a panic attack right before I met him the first time) that it was tough for me to commit to coming back. From my place in Washington, he was only about a 3-hour venture away. I resisted getting too deep into knowing him, something always felt off. Then he died of a drug overdose during the pandemic when all the NA and AA meetings went online. Online wasn't enough to keep him off the drugs. I heard it was fentanyl that killed him.
The closest we ever got was before he died. And we weren't' very close even then. Throughout my whole life I hadn't really been upset about him. I had other traumas and issues, and he literally just wasn't present in my life. So, I kind of had him on the back burner. However, I had been able to see how never having that masculine support was affecting my relationships. When he died, I feel like all the sadness came out. I cried for 2 straight weeks at the injustice of it all. I wouldn't say I was crying so much for his death, as I was for the unfelt pain I had been carrying all those years that all seemed so real suddenly.
I was hyper masculine because of it. My mom had to be in her masculine to raise a troublemaker like me. So, I had this distorted version of the masculine and feminine modeled to me. I played sports and was extremely competitive. I was hyper independent, and really resisted relying on any man. Hilarious to me now, I was also desperate for male attention. I had never really gotten it, and from what my mom tells me about those 7 years we did live with my father, I was a real daddy's girl.
After years of therapy, I had started to put together these pieces. But I still had this deep desperation for male attention. I didn't think I would ever be able to get the depth of attention I needed from a man, so I was working on ways to not need it. Also, I want you to know at this point in my journey I had heard of girls calling their partner's Daddy and was absolutely disgusted by it. If I wanted a partner like my father, then I should be looking for a piece of shit who will leave and kill themselves with drugs years later after telling me they thought about me every day. Ew.
But the universe is the cosmic jokester I suppose. So, of course I would find an amazing partner who liked being called Daddy. He never once asked me to call him Daddy, though. When I met Sweet Potato, he had 3 other play partners, and I had a full-time girlfriend. He had been in the kink scene for several years and I was just getting into it. Naturally, I asked him many questions about the other types of kinks he was doing, and with their permission he told me. One girl he was with was a rope bunny. I loved the idea of rope, so we did lots of that! Another of his partners was a masochist who loved brutal impact play. We tried lots of this and I like it sometimes, but it's not my favorite. I like the lighter impact. And the third one was into Ddlg (Daddy, little girl).
In the beginning I didn't ask a lot of questions about that one. The look on my face surely told him everything he wanted to know about how I felt about this. Ick. But the curiosity got the best of me. Why would she want that? Don't you feel like a pervert? He calmly and casually explained that it's actually more about nurturing and care than perversion. He doesn't actually see her like she's his child, but that he's her caretaker, and he provides an essential role for her to feel safe. Once I heard this something clicked. I asked him if he liked being called Daddy and he said he liked it very much. Then he told me that there were plenty of other things he liked, and I didn't have to do that one.
I remember that whole night it was all I could think about. A man to nurture me and care for me and take on this essential role? Wow. Was this what I had always been desperate for? Was it possible for me to pretend to get this daddy love from a man and that it could help heal my daddy issues? I had to try. Then next day I asked if I could call him Daddy and the look on his face was so precious. He said I didn't have to do it just for him. And I said I wanted to try it out, no promises, and just see what happens.
The first one felt a little awkward, naturally. But I kept it up for the day. By that night I was obsessed. I felt little. Like a little girl who just needs the care of her Daddy to be happy. I was so in my masculine and independence for so long that I had never really allowed myself to feel little with a partner. I was always the one in control. Life felt easier with a Daddy. I didn't have to be in control because I knew he would be. And as we got deeper and deeper into the dynamic my whole life was transforming. I didn't feel this giant, suppressed daddy-shaped hole in my life anymore. I felt a playfulness and childlike freedom I hadn't felt since I was 7. I could reach out for Daddy attention and get it immediately back from a caring, nurturing soul who only wanted my joy.
Sweet Potato is my Somatic Daddy. I feel his Daddy energy through my entire body. We get to play this little game and it has real world healing! And it's healing for him, too! He gets to have the respect, autonomy, and devotion that he craves, that's a result of his upbringing. I think of him as my Somatic Daddy because in my somatic coaching we also play pretend with different parts of ourselves to heal.
Did you know that the brain sees all the different parts of you as different pieces entirely? Your inner child is different in your brain to your inner teen, or your inner bitch, or your inner Goddess. So, by actually speaking to all these different pieces you're healing and supporting them, too! Learn more here: www.lonateachesbliss.com/coaching
I want to give a couple notes on Ddlg to help you build a safer space if you're looking to explore it. NOT EVERYONE in this dynamic has daddy issues. Some people do just love that nurturing care from a partner, even if their own daddy was pretty good at it! And I want to mention that not every Daddy you meet will be as sweet, careful, and supportive as mine. There are some bad actors in this scene, so it's always best to start slowly, set boundaries, and watch how they treat you. If they ask you to call them Daddy on the first date, that's a red flag. This is a title that is earned through demonstrated trust, care, and love. If you feel that they're using it to control you, then run! Also, be prepared for some icky glances if you choose to use this title in public. I slip up all the time and get them. We try to only use it in private or with people who know our dynamic.
INSPIRED ACTION: This dynamic isn't for everyone. I don't think anything is for everyone! I wonder if there's a certain kink that you really resist, like I did. Investigate that within yourself of why that one is so off-putting to you, then play devil's advocate and investigate why it could be healing in its own way. You don't have to try it! I find investigating why I'm so resistant to some things can help me accept and understand myself on a deeper level. Maybe it can for you too!