What's it take for you to have a really authentic orgasm? Maybe trust, relaxation, surrender, joy. I would bet that privacy is one of the top things on that list, too. Well, at least for most of you! So, it's probably not too surprising that I haven't seen an authentic, no vibrators, not forced female orgasm in sex clubs, sex parties, or sex positive spaces. But last weekend I had one of the most beautiful, authentic orgasms at a packed sex club in Portland!
I love sex positive spaces. I think sexuality is not something to be ashamed of and always hidden, but something to be celebrated in consensual, 18 and up spaces. I believe that what we hide is what we need to truly thrive. This idea of the rebel path is that religion, society, your family, and even friends have told you what not to be. This creates subconscious conditioning that will continually show up to block your deepest desires. Choosing the rebel path can liberate you on a deep somatic level and allow you to embody your deepest desires and live in total freedom.
I have learned to embrace the things religion told me not to be. Including nudity, queerness, non-monogamy, witchcraft, kink, and public sex. Each one had its own flavor of resistance in me. And through confronting that resistant conditioning deep within me, I have found ridiculous pleasure, ecstatic joy, and overflowing bliss. So, last weekend I took my partner to Portland, Oregon, the strip club capital of America, and the original keep it weird city that is overflowing with sex positive spaces. And together we got to experience authentic pleasure and orgasmic flow in public.
It started on Friday night. We went out to a comedy show and laughed our asses off. Then we treated ourselves to 5 hours at a strip club, where we got so much feminine attention and went home to fuck each other for hours. Even in the strip clubs, sex is taboo, which just makes me laugh deep down. I would say strip clubs are fun every once in a while, but sex positive spaces are our favorite! On Saturday we went to an incredible space called Sanctuary, a kink forward sex club right downtown.
At this specific club, you're encouraged to bring any of your own toys. When we walked in there was a rope suspension happening, people were tied up and getting flogged, and a very sexy flamboyant dancer was shaking his ass on stage. Before we enter these kinds of spaces, we always have a consent talk to see where we are at and what we both deeply desire. This is an integral part of our joy in these spaces. This time I really just wanted him, he was open to playing with others, but his main desire was to be with me. We got some non-alcoholic drinks at the bar and took a stroll around to get the lay of the land.
Here's the thing about being in sex positive spaces as someone who practices and studies Tantra: they're full of forced inauthentic female orgasms (from my view, which is limited). What I mean is that the few female orgasms I see (and oh how few they are) are either with them tied down and getting a vibrator forced (consensually) on them, or their partner is vigorously, aggressively handling their clit or penetrating them. I've occasionally seen lesbians together, but I don't think I've seen their orgasms. And this isn't a knock on these aggressive or forced orgasms. I've been there and there is absolutely pleasure in them. But I just don't ever seen real, authentic, slow orgasms in these spaces.
So, what do I do when I don't see what I want? I become those things. I want to be the person in the club that people are like "hey, that was really beautiful and pleasurable and authentic". I don't want my sexual experiences in these spaces to be different from what we do at home. I want to share my real pleasure, my real orgasm, my real experience with others. Not to show off or as a judgement to others, but just to show people something different, something real.
But let me tell you how difficult it is to authentically orgasm in these spaces! There's people looking at you, there's moans, and spanks, and screams happening everywhere. There are people interrupting you asking if they can join, which is bad form in these spaces as you're not supposed to interrupt anyone mid-scene. The beds, if you can even get one, are not the most comfortable, and you don't have lots of pillows as props. Plus, all the self-conscious things that can happen being so exposed. There's this idea that you're not being interesting enough to look at, as if everyone else's pleasure is more important than yours. I've orgasmed in these spaces before, but they were definitely more forced, and that's totally on me. Just to go really hard and fast until orgasm because you feel the pressure all around you! And honestly, most times I would say I don't even orgasm at all.
So, I get why we don't see many authentic orgasms here. But, being the ultimate rebel that I am, I wanted to make it happen. So, in this packed sex club we began. We actually started in a back corner because it was less crowded and we had some space. I sucked his cock for a while as he watched what was happening around him. I don't ever wear underwear and I was wearing a cute little dress, so he pulled up my dress to me off. Then a bed opened up so we transitioned. We don't like to jump straight into penetration in our regular sex lives, so we didn't here either. We kept making out, and watching around us, and I kept licking his body until he flipped me over and started eating me out. He is very talented and knows my body so well.
I relaxed as I felt the pressure to perform for this crowd. I kept breathing heavily all the way down to my pussy, and squeezing her in rhythm to his slow fingering. I rocked my hips gently and he kept eating. I relaxed again as the thought that I was taking too long in this space crept in. He even slowed down as he felt me building too much too quickly. I love how well he knows my body. After at least 30 minutes I felt the energy of orgasm getting closer, and I kept breathing and relaxing, not trying to orgasm, but just enjoying the pleasure. There were at least 30 other people in the back room we were in. I made eye contact with some of them, I watched a girl getting paddled, the man in the bed next to us was jackhammering his lady's clit with his hand as she was clenching down as hard as she could. And I relaxed again, focusing on my pleasure. Until a wave crested over me and pleasure flowed out to my entire body. I screamed out his name (or at least what I call him in these spaces) and giggled for minutes as I enjoyed the delicious flow. My partner gently holding my pussy as I rode these waves.
That was it, my first totally authentic orgasm in public! I am finally comfortable enough in these spaces to do this, and comfortable enough in my body and my partnership to receive it! I love having new experiences, and if I were to let myself be held back by my conditioning then I wouldn't have that totally unique sex club experience that lit me up all night! What you hide is what you need to thrive!
INSPIRED ACTION: Investigate what you are hiding. Try to make the connection of how it's blocking your thriving. If you hide your sexuality completely from everyone, then ask yourself what your deepest desire in sex is. If you're hiding it from everyone, then maybe you're even hiding it from yourself or your partners. If your desire is to be fully seen and understood in relationships, then how is hiding a piece of yourself blocking that desire from coming fully true? What if you allowed yourself to be fully seen in sex (not necessarily in public)? How would that change your authentic expression?