Polyamory vs. Monogamy. Why It Doesn't Really Matter

Maybe you're tapped into the Aubrey Marcus drama, maybe not. Basically, he is a big "spiritual bro" in the online community. He also voted for Trump if that helps bring any clarity to his weird choices. He was poly for a long time, dating multiple women at the same time, and claiming poly was the only way for a spiritual man to live, until he met his wife. Then he shamed the poly community and said that true evolution and spiritual enlightenment is in sacred union and monogamy. Well, now he's back to polyamory, claiming the Goddess Isis told him to impregnate multiple women during a plant medicine journey. Ugh. Here's what I think.

Well first, I think you should not listen to whatever Aubrey Marcus is saying, clearly he isn't in alignment with humility, gratitude, or compassion. I think it's all too easy for spiritual bros to fall into the "what I think is divinely right" because they are not trained in discernment, which a lineage would help them learn. And a lineage is what they avoid. But beyond that, I want to clarify my position on polyamory vs. monogamy. Recently I shared a blog about my own personal story into polyamory and why this is the choice I make. I want to make one thing clear though. I don't believe your relationship style is any indicator of your spiritual enlightenment, as long as it's done in honesty and intention. Let me explain.

I feel it's important to talk about polyamory, because I was given one choice as a child: Monogamy. No one ever talked about other styles, no one I knew did it differently. I was given a default option and I'm sure my mother hoped I would never find out about polyamory. Well, as life would have it, I fell in love with my best friend when I was 25, living in Washington. I was so confused, since I was happily in a monogamous relationship for 8 years. I thought I was broken and wrong, so I did what any young, confused millenial does... I googled it.

I saw the word polyamory for the first time then. It changed my life to be given a different option. And I've discovered that this is actually the choice that is easiest and most aligned for ME. I want to share my experience because I don't want others to have to go through life thinking they are broken. And what really gets under my skin is the default of monogamy being given to everyone. It's not polyamory vs. monogamy, it's truly radical choice for yourself.

However, I don't believe polyamory is any better than monogamy, especially in a spiritual sense. I think that people should really question deep down if they want monogamy or polyamory or want to switch back and forth between the two whenever they choose. It's a deeply personal choice and should be done freely, without the weight of so many consequences (from family, work, or the government) getting in the way. I believe in freedom to choose and freedom to keep choosing what relationship style works for you.

I know that humans prior to the agricultural revolution were not monogamous. There is plenty of evidence that proves this theory. Sexually, humans were not monogamous. However, I think it also makes sense that humans naturally want to be relationally intimate with a smaller number of people than the entire clan. I think sometimes they even preferred to be in 1-1 pairings relationally, but still had sexual relations with other humans. Often, the entire community took part in raising children, and knowing the father was not very important. It wasn't until property became valuable that monogamy took control.

Fathers wanted to ensure they were giving their property to their children. And the only way to ensure that was to not allow their wife to have sex with anyone else. Note that it wasn't that important for the husband to not have sex with others. So, as a way to control women and enslave our reproductive systems, monogamy was invented and consequences for women straying outside their marriage became huge. The woman became the property of the man, so he could prove his lineage.

And thus, we started living outside of deep community. He couldn't have his wife mingling with all the men in the group, so the nuclear family was born, and she was kept away from the community to raise kids by herself. Through generations she developed diseases that are unique to humans that are outside of community, like anxiety and depression. You need only look as far back as the 50's and 60's to see this. So many housewives were so depressed that doctors invented new medicines to treat their "sickness" and gave them amphetamines and antidepressants just so they could keep going back to their homes and serve their husbands.

During the first American sexual revolution, women started to break out of this servitude. They started to leave the homes and claim their power. Many of them stopped believing in monogamy as the default and started experimenting with other ways of life. This was often met with huge consequences for them. I believe we are now in a new age of sexual revolution that has less consequences. And I believe that because of the radical work of the women of the past we are now able to make choices about our sexualities.

Some of us will choose intentional monogamy. They may even give polyamory a try and decide that they do truly want to be with one person. This is a celebration in my book! To take an honest look at your choices and choose either side is an amazing milestone! Some people with choose polyamory, or any form of ethical non-monogamy. This is also a celebration! They have likely broken out of the monogamous conditioning of culture and chosen something that makes them truly happy. Some people will switch back and forth between the two for their whole lives. This is also a celebration of beautiful choice!

What I will always fight against is the default of monogamy for everyone. That is why I will continue to share my story and normalize choosing your relationship style. And that is why I have such a problem with Aubrey Marcus now. There is no need to shame whichever one you aren't choosing right now. I have no problem that he is choosing to go back and forth. I have an issue that he believes that whatever one he is choosing he believes is the "spiritual" choice, divinated to him by the Goddess.

Neither of the choices is the "spiritual" choice. The spiritual choice is to choose whichever one is aligned for you in this exact moment, not feeling you should or shouldn't do one or the other but feeling radical honesty and truth in your choice. Your choice in relationship styles should be a part of your life that lights you up into your authentic expression! Your relationship style should feel like a freedom! And don't listen to anyone who tries to shame you for making this choice! If you honestly looked at all the options and allowed yourself the space to freedom to choose the one that is aligned for you, then you should celebrate that every day!

INSPIRED ACTION: Have you made a free choice in your relationships? Are you afraid to make a choice because it could change everything? Are you holding back anything for the sake of "ease"? Or are you making the most radical choice in your honesty to live the life you dream of? This choice is personal, and you should only consider your truest feelings when making it. It's not polyamory vs. monogamy, it's radical choice.