I Still Think You Should Report a Crime

Two years ago, I was assaulted in an Uber by the driver on my way to a concert. That threw my healing journey into a tailspin, and I reverted to my old coping mechanisms to survive it. However, reporting the crime to police was its own trauma. Here's why I think you should do it anyway.

In many ways, I think we have come a long way in terms of the police believing victims. We haven't come as far in actually holding the abusers accountable. Unfortunately, in many cases it takes multiple reports to bring someone to justice. And with the current case of Epstein, it could take dozens. This is a real shame.

Because it can be so difficult to bring these tender subjects to the police in combination with it not often having many consequences, many people are choosing to not report at all. This obviously affects women and non-binary people in a huge way, but men are also heavily affected by this. It's not seen as "manly" to report a crime, especially one of sexual nature. And by saying out loud what happened, it makes it even more real.

Even me, well into my path of sexual liberation, loud mouthed, unafraid of consequences, and able to speak about my most traumatic experiences freely, I struggled to share the story with the police. I needed to have a friend present with me, and I cried for an hour before making the call to 911.

For me, there was also this feeling of was it even real? I was totally sober, fully awake, and present in my body. Hell, it was 5 o'clock in the afternoon! But yes, it was real, I was there, my mind wasn't playing a trick on me. Why do we often question these things even when they happened right in front of our eyes. This is how trauma wreaks havoc on your brain.

It took me over 24 hours to report it. And my hands shook as I dialed. Would they believe me? Do I even believe me? What would the consequences be, if any? Will I have to testify in court? But the one question that kept drawing me forward was "Would I be able to protect another woman?". And that's what we have to keep leaning on.

The system isn't perfect. But we can't let that hold us back. There are cases of women trying to get justice in this imperfect system that would be helped by other victims coming forward. One strike against an abuser is often tough for a court to grapple with. But multiple strikes from multiple people? That builds the kind of case that is much easier to win.

Maybe you won't get the justice you deserve. So many people don't. But maybe you'll help someone else get justice. Or maybe you'll be able to rest after, knowing that you did what you could. It's always possible that you'll experience a second trauma by just bringing it to the police. Even for me, the police officer was kind, caring, and listened fully. He really seemed like he believed me.

The biggest let down is that instead of charging him with sexual assault, by definition they had to charge him with assault with sexual motivations. I'll forever be baffled that it can't be called sexual assault but can be called assault that was sexually motivated. I'm also extremely grateful that it wasn't more serious.

The most difficult part of the assault was that I was trapped in a moving car with him. I could feel the moment my fight or flight kicked on, and my nervous system decided to flee. I pretended we were at the destination (even though I was over a mile away) and insisted we were already here and to pull over. I ran from the car, looking back only to make sure he wasn't following me. And then I went to a concert and pretended it didn't happen. Only to break down the next day, realizing what had actually happened. To read the full blog I wrote after it happened check out: Don't Touch Me. Don't Touch Me. Don't Touch Me.

Had he assaulted a woman later that night after the concert when she was definitely not sober? Had I not protected women? I had to report it, not knowing with any certainty if my words would make a difference, and if Uber would do anything about it.

I have since found out the many issues with ride-share drivers and sexual assault. It's extremely common. And I don't believe that the ride-share companies are doing enough to stop it. I hesitate before I get in a ride-share now. But there are ways that you can protect yourself. I found this lovely article that could help you: Rideshare Sexual Assault | Cutter Law P.C. Some of the most important things you can do is ride in the back, ride with friends, stay sober enough, and be aware of the tools you have in the apps.

After much pressure, and literally thousands of cases, Uber recently started allowing you to request a female driver. This is one small step towards holding Uber accountable, but it isn't enough. Taxi drivers used to be held to higher standards than ride-share drivers are now. We need national standards for ride-share companies, we need transparent data about assaults, we need easy, straightforward systems for reporting abuse that can track drivers across platforms.

And we need to report to the police about misconduct. Not only for ride-share drivers, but for all crimes. We have to remember that it's often a numbers game, especially if the people are rich and powerful. We have power in our voices. Maybe that power is not always met with understanding or acceptance, but we can't let that stop our voices. Yes, I deeply know there are many ways this can go wrong, but we can't let that silence us. Yes, I have heard stories about reporting causing more harm, but we have to support each other.

The system is broken in so many ways, the rich and powerful get away with atrocities. But let this be a lesson that eventually, sometimes, it can make a difference. And when we allow our voice to be heard truthfully, even with all the consequences that could happen, we are healing generations of trauma where women, men, and non-binary people had to stay silent.

INSPIRED ACTION: Speak up. Say the truth freely. In what ways have you silenced yourself, even though no one outright told you to do so. Who does that protect? Are you afraid to be seen as difficult? Do you question your own experience? And are you ready to speak? Even though the consequences could hurt you. That's real power.