No, You Don't Have to Throw Away Your Vibrator

I've seen it before, and I'm sure I'll see it again, a "spiritual" teacher telling all her followers to throw away their vibrators! Talking about how they are getting in the way of your pleasure and numbing you to real sensuality! And I get why they say this, I really do. But it's not having the effect they think it's having. From someone who used to use vibrators every day, here's what I really think on the matter.

Let's start with why they say this, and why I understand the sentiment. In Tantra, especially, it's really important to reawaken your senses, break through conditioning around your pleasure, and allow yourself to surrender to every inch of sensation. And in general, vibrators are going to be too strong to allow you to gently awaken the sensations and stay present with them. They will push you to clench and squeeze and rush to orgasm.

And so, the teachers demonize the vibrators and pretend it's more spiritual to not use them. But here's what that really does. First, it makes some people feel bad about their pleasure and orgasms! It introduces shame, and guilt, and fear around using a vibrator. Imagine a woman, and I know many, who can only orgasm with a vibrator. Now they're being told it's wrong to use one, and maybe they feel pressured to throw it away.

But then when they go towards pleasure they don't feel much, don't know what to do, and can't get to orgasm. They probably feel more shame, and begin down the spiral of guilt, judgement, and frustration. Maybe they give up on pleasure altogether because they can't figure it out, or they go out and buy another magic wand, again feeling shame every time they use it. She may even feel like she's not a real woman if she can't orgasm without a vibrator.

Now, shame is always going to work against pleasure. It's going to shut you down, make you question everything, and hold you back. So, I don't prefer to go down the route of increasing shame or sitting on some high horse about pleasure. At the end of the day, if a woman can only orgasm with a vibrator (for now) then I celebrate the fuck out of her for doing it! And if she is interested in expanding that skill and learning new ways to pleasure herself, then I celebrate the fuck out of that, too!

Instead of using shame to get women to stop using vibrators, I invite them into self-pleasure with just their hands in an exploratory way. I explain that this session I want them to try it without any powered tools, and to see what happens when they are really present in their bodies and in their sensations. I also help them explore more types of touch, different kinds of pressure and pace, and relaxing their bodies into the experience. I try to get them to let go of the goal of orgasm, so they can just be present with their pleasure.

Then I invite them to try this kind of pleasure about 50% of the time. So, the next time, use a vibrator, yay! Do it without shame! And the time after that try to explore with just your hands. This method is expansive instead of contractive. It helps them explore in a way that's curious, open, and free from shame and judgement. And that can be powerful on their sexual journey! They get to learn what they really like, and if they like it, they will naturally start to use the vibrator less. And if they feel like using the vibrator sometimes, they'll do it without the weight of shame.

I used vibrators constantly through my 20s. I burned out the motor on 3 magic wands! And I noticed something when I started trying pleasure without the motors. I noticed that the pleasure was more expansive, that I didn't have to rush, and that the orgasms were much more rejuvenating. I ran into some of the shame-based information around vibrators, and sometimes I would feel really bad about wanting to use a vibrator.

But I never threw mine away. I learned that it was more about the action behind the vibrator, and as I expanded my orgasmic abilities, and learned to relax through orgasm, draw the energy up and in instead of down and out, and disconnect from the goal of orgasm, I found that even with a vibrator I could have a replenishing orgasm sometimes (although I much prefer my hands now!).

Now, this takes skill and practice! You've got to learn to do this without the vibrator before it's really possible to do it with the vibrator. But just like the clitoral orgasm is often demonized in the Neo Tantra world, the intention and action behind both of those things (and all orgasms) is more important than what you use or how you get there.

Interested in learning how to have the kind or orgasms that people write poetry about? My Sexual Liberation Coaching can be powerful in helping you find epic pleasure and devotional love! I help you find the conscious and unconscious blocks to your wildest pleasure and dreamiest relationships. Plus, I offer many practices and lessons on how to expand your pleasure. I work with men, women, and non-binary people. Check it out at www.lonateachesbliss.com/coaching

INSPIRED ACTION: What if it's not your vibrator but how you arrive at pleasure? Is pleasure just a release for you? Or do you go to pleasure to find yourself, to expand your sensations, and to meet the Goddess? Nothing is inherently wrong with any way you approach pleasure. And if you want to expand it, you'll likely have to use different tools than what you're doing now!