Stop Trying to Have Perfect Sex. Choose This Instead!

Five minutes in he said, "if we were just trying to have sex, I would be so frustrated right now, but this is so much better!". We were trying a new technique. We never want to stop exploring and experimenting. But sometimes when we add new stuff, it becomes frustrating and we give up quickly if it's not working right away. I heard of this new technique and we tried it immediately. Here's how.

You know the game; you try something new in bed and if it feels like you're not great at it right away then it's tough to stay in the moment and explore. But what happened to just playing? Remember when you were a kid in the sandbox and you just created for the sake of creation. And if the castle fell then you just started over. There wasn't a question of if you were good enough, or if you were capable. You just played and had fun.

Somewhere along the way to becoming an adult we lost that playful exploration. But it's not too late! Bring the sandbox to your sexual expansion! I'm reading the book Expanded Orgasm by Dr Patricia Taylor, and she pitched the sandbox dates. In them you're not trying to have good sex, you're trying to learn new skills in a deescalated environment. This opens everything up!

By changing the rules and the structure it helps you relax into the learning process. I'm somehow always shocked to find out that error is part of trial and error. And that mistakes are actually a part of the process! If you didn't know I'm a recovering control freak, and I still see the tendrils of this poke their head out sometimes! I'm someone who is pretty good at most things I try, so when I'm not there's a shift that I can physically feel in my body.

The sandbox relaxes all that, because we aren't trying to have perfect sex. We aren't even trying to have good sex. We are trying to explore and communicate and expand.

So, we gave it a try this weekend to wild results! I generally thought it wouldn't change much but I'm willing to try anything twice. We began and it was immediately hilarious. We tried one position and it felt wrong, so we tried another and that didn't work. Then we tried a third and when that didn't work we realized this is the point we would have both given up!

But part of the sandbox date is to keep going past that point of frustration or wanting to give up. We laughed and found a fourth position that actually worked! This is what Patricia calls the breaking point, and it's exactly when you should keep going and you'll learn the biggest lessons!

This is when Sweet Potato said told me that this was so much better! He said that if we were trying to have sex, he would have felt so frustrated that nothing was working, it would have felt like a lot of pressure to perform, and we wouldn't have had the space to laugh and keep trying. I also noticed that when he gets in that state I don't want to continue either because I want to make him feel better. But we both easefully found a new way through.

We actually tried 3 different exercises in this sandbox date and found great success with all 3! We ended on a high note and decided to have sex after the date. In the sandbox set up you can choose to end everything after the sandbox or continue on and have sex outside of the sandbox. We had incredible sex after and it extra enforced the power of the sandbox!

Things like changing communication are especially easy in the sandbox. I like when Sweet Potato says one-word commands for me to follow, and assumed he liked that, too. But one exercise we tried was the compliment sandwich. I immediately thought we didn't need this one, but he insisted. Again, I'll try anything twice.

You start by complimenting something that is working in the moment, then offer a small shift in what's happening, then when they do it you compliment the new thing. I joked before we got in the sandbox that this would be exhausting and too many words, and he was not surprised I thought this. I often program for efficiency. But that doesn't often leave space for kindness and care. I could see how much this meant to him, and that surprised me as well. Sure, he would do the one-word commands in bed, but were we creating the most intimate, most caring, most loving environment? Clearly not.

My first few were more of a joke than an actual attempt, and he could see this but actually compliment sandwiched me for trying! I was surprised how it made me want to change so easily. So, I gave it a real shot, and said something like "I'm loving what your finger is doing, go a little lighter on the tongue", then when he did it, "oh yes, that's amazing!". He paused after that and looked at me and said he fell deeper in love with me in that moment. I had no idea how much this would change!

And without the sandbox, there wouldn't have been space to really pause and notice these changes and make space for mistakes. If I had joked and not taken it seriously outside of the sandbox I think he would have given up trying or taken it personally. We both learned a lot just from this one attempt, and we already have out next date planned!

If you want to try the sandbox, then start by creating a time closed space. Without a timer, it can feel unanchored. You want there to be an end so that you have a chance to exit if you need to and you also will stop worrying when a good time is to stop. That all falls away and you can really drop in. Next, resolve with each other that this space isn't for just sex, it's for learning, making mistakes, and having fun!

Don't take it too seriously. And remember that the breaking point is a celebration to find! It's a sign that you're close to learning something new, so keep going! There's no space for perfection in the sandbox. Picture making sandcastles just to make them and tear them down. Nothing long term or high stakes. Exploration for the sake of exploration. And if the temperature ever gets too high in the sandbox, take a break! Drink some water and come back with a new idea of how to move forward.

And if anyone does get upset picture yourselves in a literal sandbox and laugh at the idea of taking it too seriously. I'm definitely sharing this one with my clients!

INSPIRED ACTION: Schedule a sandbox date with yourself or with a partner. Share this with them so they understand what they're getting into. Then journal after about what you learned and grew!