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The First Time I Saw My Inner Child Smile

She finally looked up at me and, without anger, without fear, without tears, she smiled. And it was a warm, enveloping smile that I could feel to my core. This one smile changed my life. This one smile healed me more than any other method I had ever used. I think of this smile often, but now it isn't so rare. My inner child smiles so often now. She's allowed to feel any emotion she wants. And I'm so happy it's joy, playfulness, and bliss more often than not.

I went to talk therapy for years. And the few times I did interact with my inner child it was horrible. I would sometimes cry for days after interacting with her. She was often despondent, dissociated, or depressed. I couldn't handle her pain, which meant I couldn't handle my own pain. It made me angry to see her. Angry at the men who did this to her. Angry at myself for letting it happen. Angry at those who were supposed to protect me. It never seemed very helpful to interact with her.

I remember the very first time I found her. She was buried deep in my mind. Locked in one of the worst memories. A memory I had tried to deconstruct for years. A memory I didn't understand until I was in my late twenties. This is one thing talk therapy had helped me with, just putting words to those unresolved memories. However horrible the words were, they still helped me in their own ways. The memory started very strangely, I was in an old living room, and the colors were all grey and blue toned. The tones of sadness, or depression.

My therapist asked me to look around for my inner child. But I was alone in the living room. I looked down at the hallway and felt she was there. But why did my memory start here? I later learned that it was because I dissociated from so many of these memories that my mind literally was just elsewhere. My mind tried to protect me by being somewhere else entirely, it didn't want me to see what was happening. So, I walked down the hallway, and into one of my most disturbing memories. I froze, a common trauma response for me, taking in the unfamiliar yet familiar scene. I intuitively knew what was happening, but hadn't seen it before. Not like this. My memory of it was fragmented, broken, incomplete. This was the complete memory. I don't know how but I made a noise somehow and he saw me. Then the anger bubbled up first. Another common trauma response for me. I almost always hide my sadness with anger.

I told my therapist I was angry and she said I could express it. I said that isn't what happened in the original memory. And she told me one of the most useful things I got out of talk therapy. She said, "You don't have to keep reliving the memory. Your brain doesn't actually know the difference between a memory and your imagination. You can just imagine a different scenario and the brain takes it as truth. You can rewrite this story".

So, I unleashed the anger on him, and I pulled her out of the room and into my arms. She was not sad, she was frozen. Nothing I said could break through. I just held her. Then my time was up, and I had to go. I cried all night. Cried for her. But the talk therapy didn't heal her. I never saw her smile there. Eventually I saw her cry. Then her crying was all I ever interacted with. It was painful to deal with her. But I thought I had liberated her from the memory because when I visited her, I didn't have to go find her in the bedroom and fight him. She would appear in the living room with me. Once we were even in the front yard. But she never found safety through these sessions.

When I began my VITA coaching training, we went through a deep transformation through all the tools many times, plus even more tools than we even share in the coaching. Layla (the creator of the program) didn't want us leading anyone anywhere we hadn't been even deeper before. So, it was thorough. The deepest thing I've ever done. Combining breath, movement, sound, embodiment, and energy work with the somatic tools was strong enough to rip right through you (in the best way possible). Because these memories were so ingrained, so potent, that only something equally as strong could stand up to it.

The somatic tools go through the body. It's not a logical exercise that only uses the prefrontal cortex. Somatic tools are designed to activate the nervous system as well, which can speak to the primal brain. In the talk therapy sessions I was mostly using logic to enter the memories. In the coaching I was using all 3 parts of the brain and the body. So, instead of just talking to my inner child, I got to embody her and speak as her. She wasn't just some little girl I was trying to protect, but I was her and telling me what I needed to be happy. I created a safe place for her to live so she didn't have to live anywhere near that living room. I brought in protective pieces to keep her safe and guide her. And I made sure she never had to get involved in my sex life again. That's not where children belong, so she didn't have to interfere anymore.

This somatic and Tantric healing process helped me see her smile for the first time. Once I got her to her safe place she changed completely. I looked down at her as I introduced her to the place and she looked up at me with the biggest, brightest eyes, and smiled a smile I'll never forget. I cried watching her play for the first time. Then I played with her, too. She is still happily at home in my heart. I struggle so much less around surrendering in sex, allowing pleasure, and going deeper into complex Dom/sub scenarios now that she is safe.

And that's why I've created this free transformational guided audio experience for you! Because liberating my inner child was one of the most powerful things I did in my healing journey, so I'm giving it away for free! It's my dream to help liberate you, too! Click here ( to get the 3 guided audios, plus email follow up to help you continue your journey after you complete them! Each video is about 15 minutes long, and can be done anytime during the day. There's 24 hours between each video to allow some integration time. I hope you enjoy this incredible guided audio experience from me!

INSPIRED ACTION: Try the Inner Child Liberation Guided Audio Experience! Let me know how it goes for you! I'm so excited to give them to you for free!

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