The Healing Spiral of Burning Man

Control. Even typing the word makes me cringe a bit. It feels like a dirty word. Like something I want to rid myself of. But how did it shape my personality? And how is it still shaping me? This year at Burning Man I got to meet this trauma in a new way. And it's changing how I show up in life. (PS. I share my new playa name here as well!)

I believe that we heal trauma in spirals. There's not one moment that heals all the past trauma and you're free of it forever. You heal a major aspect of it, and it creates a certain level of freedom from it. Then some amount of time later, you discover a new dimension of the trauma. A new way it has affected you, a way it's been hiding from your perception. And you heal it again there. Then you go off and work on different parts of your life, only to find a new way that it's been working on you.

Each new spiral gives you a new perspective, and you are a different person facing it this time. Often the first few cycles of it are the hardest to face and heal. I'm deep in this one now with control. Having hit this one several times from several angles, I felt that I was pretty free of it. And in so many ways I truly am. But it's funny how we build our lives around these pieces that worm their way in our lives in different ways.

Sometimes I feel like the trauma gets smarter, like it can't be so obvious in the later spirals. But I also feel like this is just the nature of the trauma, it gets broken down into smaller and smaller pieces that are easier to hide in your body, mind, and energy. And maybe you are more willing to ignore the smaller parts, because dealing with the bigger parts takes so much energy.

Well, here's how this Burning Man I discovered the next portal to freedom.

This was my 5th Burning Man! And maybe one of my best! Things flowed so beautifully. My camp was incredible! I co-lead the camp (Naked Heart), and there's a lot that goes into creating the culture that can take care of itself. And people showed the fuck up! It was like magic! No huge issues to deal with, no meltdowns. Just run of the mill issues that were easy to fix.

But don't think that just because I put a ton of time into camp that I don't have an amazing time! This year I think I danced more than any other year! I was with some friends I had made in the previous years at Naked Heart, and they just wanted to dance! I feel I've made these wild connections with people just seeing them for 12 days a year. We sweat together during build, we cry together in workshops, we support each other in this harsh environment. Burning Man has a way of taking everything to level 10. And the friendships are like nothing I've ever experienced!

My dear friends, Caitlin and Tom, were integral in this all nighter that lead me to this spiral portal. Tom I've known for 3 years, and Caitlin for 1 but we literally talked every week since last year. They're both amazing! We went out for White Wednesday (one of the theme nights of Burning Man where people wear white). We actually didn't start the night together, the night started in a huge white out storm! Everyone was questioning whether to go out that night because the wind was so crazy. But we decided to go and pushed on!

We began at Alchemist Bazaar to watch a friend of ours (Precious) do a cabaret show! It was magnificent! She was amazing! And it was packed with like 400 people crammed into this pyramid! It was an enclosed space, so the wind kept blowing outside, and we were protected!

When we left the pyramid the wind had started to die down and we all decided to do MDA. It's one of my favorites, and it helps me stay up all night dancing. I don't do large amounts, just enough to keep me up and moving and smiling even when my knees are killing me! And the sunrises on playa are some of the most magical moments in the world! I knew I wanted to make it all the way to Tycho sunrise that next morning! And I did.

Then we headed to Camp Mystic for their legendary music every White Night! The Human Experience was playing and he's one of my favorites! Mystic really brings in unique artists who do more than just slam bass and follow repetitive beats. It's truly art. Well, Naked Heart loves Mystic, and before we left camp I told everyone I could to go to the front right stage if they make it there so we could find each other.

I kid you not there were like 35 Naked Heart people there. Every time a new group would come up we would all hug each other and share stories and laugh. It was such epic dancing with all those lovely people! And that's where I met up with Caitlin and Tom and their whole crew. I had about 10 people in my group and they had about 8. After a while dancing there (in no wind at all!) their crew was about to leave and go to more dancing nearby. I felt an urge to stay with them, so I roused my group to join them!

Now, if you've never travelled with a large group on playa in the middle of the night before it can be absolutely wild! Everyone gets lost. But alas, I was there! This was not me or Sweet Potato's first rodeo. I easily took the lead in making sure we all got there together (something everyone is always grateful for).

First, you've got to collect everyone in a group to leave the stage. This obviously takes several minutes. Then you've got to walk out the front together, not losing anyone, and then make a plan of where you're all going to meet together with your bikes. There were hundreds of bikes outside of this camp. So, usually I'll go with the separate group to their bikes, then once they're all on their bikes, we'll ride over to my group so we can all leave together.

I know it sounds crazy, but you can't just follow the bike in front of you on playa. One glance to the left or if you lag behind a little, and you're totally lost or now you're accidentally following the wrong bike. It's actually a feat of nature to keep a group together when you're all travelling on bikes in a busy city! So, to solve this problem, Sweet Potato and I both have 6 foot tall pipes on the back of our bikes with led lights that are purple and orange that go all the way up them and a random stuffed animal on the top. Mine is a purple bear. This light signature that's extra tall and bright is the only way to lead a huge group from one place to the next because even if people aren't paying attention they can glance up and still find my bike.

After several more minutes, and showing everyone what they were following, we were off to the next place! I watch carefully behind me as we leave and throughout the journey to make sure the group is still together, and oftentimes we have to stop to let someone catch up who fell or got caught in a dust pile (they're lethal to the bikes!).

We make it over to Playground (which isn't too far), and we all park the bikes again. After several more minutes of making sure everyone had what they needed from the bikes, we could move over to the stage together (drugs do not make this process faster, haha!). Again, it's wild how easy it is to lose people out here! But this stage was epic! Huge fire guns, lots of lasers, tons of people! It's insane what people build out there!

We were dancing, we were laughing, we were growing in size again because we kept running into more Naked Heart people! Eventually, we were all laying in the dust together in a big pile sharing stories and hugs and smiles. And people were also departing the group as it was getting pretty late. I was with Caitlin and Tom in the dust. And Tom said something that changed everything for me.

He said that he sees how much I take care of the group. He meant Naked Heart and this group here. He was in awe of how I do it all so easily. And he said that for one night, he wanted to take the pressure off me to lead. He wanted to let me relax and enjoy myself without having to worry about everyone. And as you can see, it's a job herding all these cats together on playa.

Initially, I told him no! I love what I do, and I didn't want him to have to worry about me. He said he wanted to, that it would make him happy to do it. I smiled. Sweet Potato had left a bit before this point to go to bed, so maybe it would be nice to have someone else take care of me. But this was a different offer. With Sweet Potato, I could go to him for absolutely anything I needed, but he's not trying to get me to not lead. He supports me in every way so I can lead.

This was different. Tom wanted to take away the pressure of having to lead. No one had really ever offered this to me before. Of course, I let other people lead all the time. But I'm most likely backseat leading if others are leading. I'm making sure we are headed to the right place, I'm checking in on people, I'm keeping the group together from the middle, I'm asking questions to clarify, I'm offering any support to the leader. I'm still very much in control (there's that word again!) when others lead.

I thought this could be very interesting. And immediately Tom was put to the test. You see, as we were all rolling around and cuddling in the dust, we were on top of all of our bags. Mine was at the bottom. At Burning Man, your bag is everything. There's no trash cans, there's no water stations, there may or may not be food. When you leave camp you have to have absolutely everything on you for the night or you might be in trouble in this harsh environment.

Well, my rave bag is my life saver. It's got all my necessities, so I can survive the night with ease. I carry 1.5 liters of water on me. And I had barely drank a quarter of it. Well, when we decided to leave Playground and I picked my bag up it was wet. I tried to drink water and got a mouthful of dust. I hadn't realized that the pressure on my bite valve that my water comes out of was being pressed, and literally every drop of water had leaked out of my bag and into the dust.

Tom helped me realize what happened. And I laughed at the irony of my position. Now I was actually dependent on Tom since he brought extra water. He refilled my water bladder about halfway and we were off to the next place. We got back to the bikes and Tom watched as I struggled to not take control. I sat back and watched, wanting to backseat lead again, but open to seeing where this arrangement would end up.

Our other friend, Chris, was going to lead the next venture. We wanted to make it to Tycho at the trash fence for sunrise, and we were a long way away from there. Tom told me he wanted me to turn my 6 foot light off and see what happened. I actually said no to this as I was the only one with a light like that to lead the group. We had about 10 people at this point, and we were about to head out into open playa away from the city. I told him it only made sense for people to follow me, but that I would only follow Chris.

We struck off as a group, and it was going well, I was just following Chris. We ended up stopping at several art pieces, which was such a joy! I love climbing them and exploring the wide range of art people bring here! It's insane! But we saw the sky start to lighten and everyone needed a bathroom break before we went too deep in playa.

I had noticed something happening to me as I let go of control and leading. I was also letting go of keeping myself safe. It's like I couldn't distinguish the difference between control and safety. As we left the bathroom I was distracted looking at art and hit a dust pile and fell off my bike... twice! I don't think I've ever fallen off my bike on playa before. And a question loomed in my mind.

If I had been leading, would I have fallen?

It may seem a ridiculous question to you, but it haunted me. As we rode out to the trash fence it was all I could think of. Why did I let all my guards down when I fully let go of control? Did I not understand the difference between safety and control?

That actually made sense. My trauma was difficult. It was close to me as a child. I couldn't really trust anyone close to me. So, in order to feel safe, I had to be hyper independent. I had to be the one looking out for my safety or I would crumble. That's where this vigilance comes from. Safety and control have been inexorably linked in my body for decades.

Another question came to mind. Am I a leader because that's who I naturally am, or am I a leader because I don't feel safe anywhere else? I am undeniably a leader. People easily see it. They comment how easeful it is for me to lead. It doesn't weigh heavily on me. I have a huge capacity for others. My brain just works that way. And for me it's actually hard not to lead.

Who was I without this trauma? This wasn't a new question. This questions haunted me for years. And here it was again. Does trauma shape us completely? Or does trauma mold what was already in place? Was I a leader shaped by trauma? Made better by trauma? Or was I thrust into that role, and it felt easy because I was never going to choose anything else for safety?

The question still stumps me.

This is the portal. This is the next dimension of the spiral in this healing journey. And I fucking found it! It was actually a celebration for me when I realized it! I spent probably a day thinking on all the lessons of that night. I talked to Sweet Potato the next day and his clear honesty was helpful. He said of course it's shaped by the trauma. As if the question itself was ridiculous.

I saw how I made it difficult for Tom to lead me, how when I put my control down I become more unsafe. I apologized to Sweet Potato for being so difficult. And again his clear honesty was huge. He said it's not difficult for him at all. He never tries to get me to stop leading unless I ask him to. He is incredible at fully supporting me so that I can lead. I don't think it would be nearly as easy without him. All my weaknesses are his strengths. All his weaknesses are my strengths.

We compliment each other perfectly. He enjoys the parts I don't enjoy and vice versa. Out in the world we are an unstoppable pair. And in the bedroom it all reverses. I easily give up control there and he leads. It's perfect.

I wonder how I'm secretly not giving up control in the bedroom, too. I wonder if it's become so small and hidden that I don't see it there, too. This is part of the portal as well! I want to explore this on all levels.

And then there was Caitlin. She was a huge part of this journey for me as well. Tom was also watching out for her. He had two cats to herd that night. And Caitlin was in silly mode, she calls it. She was wandering off, getting excited and lost in conversation with strangers, never on her bike when everyone was leaving, dancing like a madwoman, and balancing a champagne bottle on the top of her head. She wasn't super fucked up or anything, just letting loose.

And I got to see how easy it was for her to be taken care of by Tom. She never looked back to see if Tom was paying attention. She just trusted it. She wandered and had fun and I guess just knew she would be taken care of. If she needed anything, she went to Tom. I was mesmerized by her ability to be taken care of. She wasn't having an existential crisis by letting him lead.

Of course, nothing is perfectly as it seems, and when I told her this the next day, she commented that she felt vulnerable from the night before. Like she let it all loose, but maybe felt a little bad about it the next day. More lessons. It wasn't that she was trying to lead, but that there was a hidden cost the next day to being fully out there and vulnerable. Interesting.

We all struggle in different directions.

But Tom felt great the next day! He was happy to have been there for both of us, and was excited to hear about all my expansions and lessons. And of course told Caitlin she had nothing to worry about. We got to pay it forward to him the next night, though by creating a very special ritual for him. But that's his story to tell!

This all brings my story to a close, except one little detail. I got a new playa name this year!

I had noticed that I was using my old playa name, uber, less and less this year. I was going by Lona mostly. And I led another emote-a-thon this year. My fifth one leading. In this workshop, the women are given the chance to fully emote directly to a man in the center of the circle. It's a very intense workshop. And the lead woman is holding the space for everyone to fully go in.

When I lead I get intense. I'm on the side of the circle and mostly don't speak during the shares, but my presence is wild, focused, directed at the center. Sometimes when the energy goes down I sit back, still focused. And when the energy gets high I get on one knee, other foot flat on the ground, leaning forward on one or both of my hands. It's like a striking position. I'm ready for anything to happen and to support her however she needs.

After this particular emote-a-thon, 3 different women, and 1 man came up to me and said that my energy was like a Lioness. They all said that word without hearing the others say it. Something struck in me. I thought about it for a day, but then when I woke up the next day I told Sweet Potato that I had a new playa name. Lioness!

I love this for me! The Lioness leans on her pack, but she also fiercely stands up for them. She takes charge, protects, and has relaxing fun. She feeds her family, works as a team, and knows when to stand down. She is perfect. And I am so happy to be taking on this new archetype! I also have a Lioness tattoo on my shin!

People cheered when I told them my new name.

This is the kind of pack I want to have. I love you Burning Man, Tom, Caitlin, Sweet Potato, Naked Heart, and everyone else who has supported my journey. It's time to enter this new portal.