Why Sexual Liberation Isn't Just About Sex

When most people hear "sexual liberation" they tend to think about how much sex they're going to have, what kind of sex, how many partners, how many toys they can add, or how many orgasms they can have. But liberation isn't measured by partners, positions, or orgasms. Sexual liberation isn't just about sex, it's about how you live your whole life! A lot of times when sexual liberation is thrown around in our Western culture it centers more around consumerism and hypersexuality. Let me explain.

Sexual liberation is not just the freedom to do something, it's freedom from shame, societal and religious conditioning, and repression. It's a liberation of your entire self. It's freedom to make the choices you desire without being held back by everything that's designed to keep you where you are. Liberation in sex becomes liberation in your voice, your creative expression, your relationships, your career, your family life, and your free time!

But when you often see sexual liberation in society, it's most likely trying to get you to buy some product that will most certainly not lead you to liberation, or it's talking about hypersexuality. And I know hypersexuality. This is actually the reason I thought I was sexually liberated when I was 18. I could walk into sex stores proudly, I fucked anyone I wanted whenever I wanted, I orgasmed constantly, and I watched porn. But this wasn't liberation. This was a trauma response. Not to say any of these things are bad, but the reasons behind why I was doing them was to try and fill a man shaped hole in my life.

No father, distant relationship to my brother, my grandfather next door barely spoke to me. I was desperate for male attention and belonging. Plus, I was molested as a child. This combination drove me to hypersexuality. I quickly jumped into bed before I even knew guys, because subconsciously I thought that this was the only way they would stick around. If the sex was wild, how could they leave. But they always left. Usually immediately. Which would swing me into chaotic, messy, and unhealthy spirals.

Hypersexuality isn't just about having lots of sex and orgasms. It's tied to the reasons behind those things. Why are you going into sex so quickly? And how is it affecting the rest of your life? If you're doing it from a place of power and intention it can be wildly freeing. But if you're doing it from a place of fear and scarcity then it will most definitely create more pain in your life.

And this is what society often pushes as sexual liberation: just having more and more sex or orgasms without any connection to the nervous system state or your well-being. This is a swing of the pendulum all the way in the other direction. But there is a middle point, and that's where true liberation begins.

The other way we see sexual liberation pushed is through consumerism. If you just bought this (dildo, lube, pheromone body spray, drink, sheet set, paint, etc) then you'll be liberated! But how? Show me the steps between me buying this product and slaying my shame, guilt, conditioning, and repression. I had 12 dildos. None of them helped liberate me. Sure, buying a dildo if you've been told all your life that they're the devil's work could help you face that shame. But if you take it home and hide it in a drawer except once a blue moon and never tell anyone about it, did you slay the shame? Or did you just create another layer of shame and you just now own a dildo?

Things will not make you sexually liberated. Because things don't speak to your nervous system. Only somatic work can do that. And one of the worst ways that mainstream sexual liberation gets it wrong is through aesthetics. It says that a young, hot, thin, able bodied, cis woman is sexually liberated just by the sheer fact of her looks. And if you want to be sexually liberated, well you better work hard to look like her. Yet, when I talk to most of these women (who many are my friends) they often have huge shame, guilt, and repression. Even if it doesn't look like it on the outside, once you bridge that gap you realize that they deal with the same and often times even more severe issues.

Some of the most gorgeous women I know struggle. Because again it's not about looks, or how much sex you have, or how many things you can buy. Sexual liberation is a state of being. It's a way of life. It sets you free from all the things that say "you will not be like this".

It's about deconditioning from patriarchy, religion, and capitalism. And reclaiming your right to feel inside of every inch of your body, to say no when it's authentic, to set boundaries in your life, and to live desires that don't fit the cultural mold (or hell that do fit the mold, but you're doing it from a place of choice not a place of disempowerment). The true revolution is in dismantling the systems that profit from our disconnection (the free porn industry, purity culture, hookup economies) and living your life for YOU.

And we know why society and religion would not want us to know true sexual liberation. You stop being easy to control when you step into this state. Ads hold less sway, the government isn't as strong, and toxic relationships that would've held you back fall away. You stop settling for numbing (in bed and in life). Instagram isn't as addictive when you know you can give yourself a cervical orgasm. And you become a danger to the upholding of the status quo. Pleasure makes us less obedient, more rebellious, and that is exactly why they don't want you to have it.

So, yes, in sexual liberation we often start with sexuality. But that's because this is where you're being held back by everything. This is where they take your power, so this is where we reclaim it. Once you become liberated in your sexuality, everything else becomes so much easier to liberate. But if we ignore sexuality (like so many methodologies do), then you'll never be totally free. Sexual liberation is about making you free in all aspects of your life. And if that freedom threatens the systems that raised you to be silent, obedient, and ashamed... well then good! That's what liberation is supposed to do.

Find out more about my sexual liberation coaching here: www.lonateachesbliss.com/coaching

INSPIRED ACTION: Find where the shame and repression lives in you. The next time to find something in sexuality that you say "ew no, I would never do that", ask why. Keep asking why, where did you learn this, why do you think this, where does this come from? I bet it comes down to society telling you that, your family, your religion, your friends, etc. Notice this.