Why You're Not Having Better Sex Tonight

If I told you to try to have better sex tonight what would you do? Probably turn to Claude and ask what new techniques you should try. Maybe you would choose to pull out your entire repertoire and sizzle with all the toys you've collected. Or maybe you would just try harder, as if pushing is even a useful metric in sex. Well, bad news! It's not your technique that makes sex profound, it's your nervous system.

Your nervous system and sex are completely integrated! So, if you've ever wondered why does sex feel disconnected, then I've also got a practice for you to have better sex tonight! It's a somatic practice for better sex, and it connects ancient Tantra to modern science!

Many have fallen into the performance trap. I had a client just the other day telling me that whenever he goes into sex he feels like he's performing something rather than co-creating something. Modern culture has turned sex into a skill to optimize. But this pressure to perform keeps the brain in "doing mode" and stress response.

This is the opposite of what the body needs for pleasure and connection. Relaxed focus, intention, presence, and surrender are what makes sex amazing! If you're in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn for sex, then you're going to be chasing some far off goal, instead of co-creating magic! And that all starts in the nervous system

When you're in a stress response (which, no shame, we all fall into) then your system is bracing for threat. It's on high alert, it's scanning for danger, it's holding tension in your muscles. This isn't just made up by the mind, it's real sensation felt in your body. In this state, technique is useless.

I had a client last summer book me for a custom private workshop. He came in having studied all the Tantra technique and basically every course he could get his hands on in how to make women orgasm. But when he met up with women in person, there were no sparks, no magic, no reaction. He was doing all the technique, but as an engineer he was all in his head.

When he learned to relax into presence in his nervous system, he could actually use all his training with results because it was all about the energy and intention behind his touch.

Neuroscience now confirms what Tantra knew thousands of years ago. Tantra was never about positions or performance. And no, the Kama Sutra was not a Tantric text. It was always about breath, presence, and safety in your body first. Without this, wild Tantric orgasms were impossible. That's why Tantric sex is an advanced practice! You must first work on your body, your energy, your safety. If you couldn't focus and relax the mind then that was surely where you needed to start!

So, what can you do tonight to have better sex? Well, as much as I would love to give you a perfect formula, it doesn't exist! But I can offer some suggestions if you promise to explore them as an invitation into your own aliveness, not a mechanical prescription. These are all based in Tantric practices, drawing on ancient wisdom now known as somatic healing.

START HERE for a Nervous System Reset for Pleasure:

How you arrive is everything! So, plan a time to start this date with your lover. And agree that the first thing you're going to do is breathe! No words, no plan, no expectations. Just breathe. You can do this with eyes closed on your own, or to up the breathwork for intimacy, you can look into each other's eyes. There are many breaths that could work here that will help you relax into a restful and present state. The simplest is probably circular breath with equal length long inhales and exhales and no breaks. This brings you into present moment intimacy.

After a few minutes of this start to notice the sensations all over your body. Scan your body with your mind and just notice what's happening. Maybe a tingle in your fingers, a heat in your chest, an expansion in your belly, a fire in your feet. Keep noticing for a few minutes.

Now begin having sex but slow everything down. Slower than you think you should. Rushing turns the sympathetic nervous system back on and takes you out of your body. Move with slow intention. Focus on what you're doing. When your mind wanders notice the sensations in your body again.

And typically one person is going to be more in the doing and one person is going to be more in the feeling. This can switch back and forth, too, but not too often to allow each person to fall into their role. The person in the doing should place relaxed focus on what they're doing. Let the doing come from awareness not performance by relaxing the muscles and placing your attention on wherever you're touching your partner with an intention behind the touch. Not just touching here because that's where you're supposed to, but touching here with the intention of helping your partner surrender and let go. Your awareness will fall off sometimes, just notice as soon as it does and bring it back.

The partner feeling should keep echoing this mantra: breathe, feel, relax. Don't hold pressure or muscles in any area. If you find yourself clenching in the abs, butt, thighs, or genitals then relax it as soon as you notice. Don't hold your breath. And FEEL! Surrender isn't a passive role, but an active intention to follow through. Enjoy yourself and let go.

This is one way to start having better sex tonight!

This isn't about fixing anything. You're not having sex wrong. You're having sex the way you learned it, which was likely when you were a teen or younger! Sex isn't something to fix, it's something to come home to in your body. If it's been anything but that all these years then forgive yourself for learning it a different way, and just start choosing this new path now.

And if you've tried things like this and it still isn't working, and you're thinking "why can't I enjoy sex", then maybe it's time to ask for help. Trauma and intimacy are deeply connected. This is exactly what I help men, women, and non-binary people with in my Sexual Liberation Coaching. Likely there's some unconscious piece that's cockblocking your own pleasure! It's so possible to transform these pieces so you can finally have the best sex of your life! Check it out at www.lonateachesbliss.com/coaching

Because better sex happens in your nervous system.

INSPIRED ACTION: Try at least one of these tips and notice how your sex changes tonight!