I seriously thought I was broken. There I was at 22 in a long-term committed partnership with a man who loved me to the moon and back, who literally moved across the country with me, and I couldn't feel truly happy. I couldn't connect with anything more than superficial happiness, joy, peace, or love. And more than that, I thought I didn't deserve it. People who deserved that kind of gift were perfect. Not me. I was broken. Broken from years of trauma and pain. And no end in sight. This is how I found bliss beyond pain.
I would drink frequently to feel that fleeting feeling of joy, only for it to be taken the next day in a hangover. This constant cycle every weekend kept me where I was. Because when joy is attached to a substance it's easy to convince yourself that this is happiness. Plus, you surround yourself with people also heavily using that substance, so it becomes normal. In my early twenties I blacked out most weekends and thought that was joy. Hangovers became a normal part of the process, and I lost so much of myself to hangovers. This also put me further into the belief that bliss was something I didn't deserve.
I remember one of my lowest points in Colorado. Well, there were honestly several, but one that stands out especially true was on the 4th of July. We didn't have a lot of money back then and decided to get drunk at home then walk to try and see some fireworks. I remember being so sad that it came out as drunk anger and I destroyed an aluminum water bottle I was carrying. My sadness always came out as anger back then. I remember feeling so disconnected from everything. My partner tried to make me feel better but to no avail. I hated who I was and wanted joy, peace, and bliss so badly, and I knew then that I would never have it.
What it really came down to was that I didn't know who I was. I remember thinking in that moment "who would I be without this trauma?!". I hated that I didn't know. I desperately wanted to know. But alcohol was like a band aid on an open wound. Sure, it felt better in the moment, but it wasn't actually doing anything to help me heal. And when I would remove the band aid, it just reminded me of the pain even more. I resolved to go to therapy soon after that night. But it would take me years still before I worked up the courage to actually book an appointment.
A few years after we moved to Washington alcohol had lost its luster for me. I was sick of always feeling awful and didn't like being constantly embarrassed by my actions. By this point I had many friends who drank heavily, so it was difficult to stop. I started smoking weed more, which in many ways was better than alcohol, but I was still using a substance to escape my reality. Then I turned 27, and my entire world flipped upside down.
This was easily the worst year of my adult life. One day in September, a bright spot appeared in my vision in my left eye. After a few days of it getting brighter and brighter I decided to go to an eye doctor. This doctor told me I had a detached retina, something that only happens through physical trauma... or a tumor. And I hadn't had any physical trauma to the eye. I had an emergency appointment that day with a retinal specialist who told me it was indeed detached, and that I needed to see a retinal tumor specialist. This specialist needed to take some measurements and wait 6 months to see if it grew. It did indeed end up growing, and I was diagnosed with a malignant tumor in my left eye.
But during those 6 agonizing months of waiting, one of the friends I had made in Washington while drinking killed herself in an alcohol-induced rage. Jacque had taken her own life because of the trauma she had been through and the substances she used. I saw myself deeply reflected in her truth. In many ways I saw that as my fate many times. I was overwhelmed with emotions that I had refused to feel throughout my life, that I had masked with substances, and that were unbearable. It was in these moments that I decided once and for all to go to therapy. It still took me a couple months to actually make the call, and with shaking hands and shakier voice, I finally got an appointment.
Therapy has many advantages. I didn't yet fully understand my trauma or feelings. I didn't know I was normal. I didn't understand what abandonment had done to me. I hadn't made many connections that I needed to make. Therapy helped me tremendously in these ways. I would honestly not be where I am today without those years of therapy. My therapist even introduced me to a meditation practice. And hypnotherapy helped me so much. Making sense of all my trauma was well worth those years. And I even began to start feeling like I deserved bliss and joy and love and peace. Therapy helped me survive, but I never felt it helped me thrive. There was something else missing.
However, confronted with my own mortality, and the fragility of life and finality of death, I was changed. I now knew that bliss wasn't something to be deserved, but something to claim. I just needed to find the path to doing that. Through raving, I had started to make new friends outside of drinking. These friends were into crystals, psychedelics, spirituality, and something bigger in life. They wanted to talk about the mysteries of the universe and explore new experiences. And I started down this path as well.
Through many beautiful synchronicities I found myself learning to become a Witch. This led me to Tantra, which has been one of the most profoundly altering things in my life. I learned to become embodied. I learned not to fear my emotions so much and to really feel them. I learned that every single thing in this world can be experienced through love. This is one of the divine teachings of Tantra, that you can meet everything with a loving presence. Even grief, even death, even hatred. And I transformed again. Going further into bliss, deeper into love, and opening my body to overflowing pleasure.
And then I found bliss through the divine teachings of Layla Martin. And I became a healing coach. And through this intense year long process of over 600 hours of training, I healed even more. Being coached in this methodology for over 30 hours so far has given me liberation beyond my wildest dreams. And I've found that liberation leads me directly to bliss. I became liberated from my own past pain and trauma so that I could discover who I actually am beyond it. I know myself now. A knowing that has been absolutely priceless in my life. And who I know as myself is bliss. I am love, and joy, and peace, and absolute fucking bliss. I stopped agonizing over who I would've been without the trauma and stepped into who I am liberated through it. I embrace that trauma now, knowing that it has made me. I don't dwell in it. I love it as the divine process that has brought me here, now.
I went from knowing I didn't deserve bliss, to living every day as bliss. And I know that no matter who you are or what you've been through, that you can find liberation in bliss, too. Whatever blocks the trauma has put in your life, whatever pains you've been through, whatever story of deservingness you've believed, Tantric practices and somatic psychology can help you change it. This process isn't easy, but it is simple. I get you into your body, and we speak directly to the pains, blockages, and fears holding you back. Then we make them your biggest allies. And what I help you through you can recreate on your own over your lifetime, so you don't become dependent on me. I empower you to continue the work even after I'm gone. I want to teach you liberation so that you can live in divine bliss. Check it out here: www.lonateachesbliss.com/coaching and for the month of February 2024 I'm offering $1000 off the Total Liberation or the Flowing Bliss package. Use code INSTABLISS.