
My last two blogs talked about how to have better sex using a breast massage and/or cock massage. And these two techniques most certainly will help, but only if you do them with my deeper secret: presence! It may feel mechanical or disconnected if you do either of these practices without the kind of deep presence that is cultivated through many ancient Tantric practices. Neo Tantra often combines many different bodies of knowledge and sometimes misses the deeper point. Classical Tantra does not teach advanced tools like breast massage or cock massage until a student has cultivated a real depth of presence (and many other tools as well!). So, today let's explore how to go one level deeper with my secret to better sex.
Classical Tantra is a more devoted path than Neo Tantra, requiring a greater depth of knowledge, often even needing you to initiate into the lineage with many days of sadhana (spiritual practice). In Neo Tantra, basically anyone can join in and learn the tools, even the advanced ones. You can even just search Tantric breast massage or Tantric cock massage and ChatGPT will find you several techniques to try. But technique is not everything, it's only a part of the process. To learn to make these tools truly transformational, you must develop the kind of presence that a devoted spiritual practitioner finds.
You may be thinking, damn Lona, why did you share such deep practices without all the tools to make them truly work? And it's because I knew I was heading here (and I even knew everyone wouldn't follow). I knew I wanted to get your attention with some big, sexy practices, then turn the tides a bit and dive into something you may not have clicked on to start with. I have to honor that your attention may not have been caught if I didn't start sex forward. I didn't write the rules of your attention; I just follow them to have a greater impact. Think about it... if I named this blog "Cultivating Presence" would you have clicked? My experience says about a third would click. Remember that Tantra is not all about sex, I'm just applying the tools of Tantra to sex, but you can take these tools to anything!
So, let's talk about presence. The number one thing that takes an average sexual experience to a mind blowing one is often just presence. Even if you did exactly the same techniques but added presence the sex will be better. We crave presence from our partners because it shows us that they are paying attention, they are in the thick of it with us, and they, on some level, care about us. Imagine fucking someone who you could tell was thinking about work, or baseball stats, or cleaning the room, or worse... was on their phone! Imagine brunch the next day with your friends. You would be like he was great, but then we started fucking and he kept checking his phone. Queue your friend's shock and complaints!
You might not have been able to put your finger on exactly why a sexual encounter was off, either. Some people hide their distracted thoughts so well. People with autism and/or ADHD often develop masks to hide their distraction. These can be difficult to figure out sometimes, like maybe they were making eye contact the whole time but something just felt off. Maybe the lead up to the sex was great, they paid attention, they showed interest, they were energetic. Then the sex starts, and the moves are all right, but there was just something missing. It is often this presence.
And let me tell you something about women, especially. We crave to have that safer space created for us so that we can truly let go and surrender and this is created through deep presence! And let me be perfectly clear when I talk about women and men. I know that trans women are women, and trans men are men. So, when I use these words, I'm including all who identify as women and men. It's very important for me to restate this fact with all the hatred that is happening in the world right now, especially towards trans, non-binary, and intersex people. And know that when I use male and female, I'm speaking specifically about the body parts. There are definitely differences between male and female bodies, and in this work, it is important to sometimes specify that. Intersex people are also celebrated here (hello, they're as frequent as 1 in 60 births in America) and I'll often explain the differences for intersex people, too. I do not shy away from these topics and strive to create a safer space for ALL who wish to go deeper in this work.
So, how do you cultivate presence as the secret to better sex? You may not like this answer, but it's actually about meditation! Meditation is one of the top tools in your toolkit to cultivate divine, transformative presence that will help you have the best sex of your life! But you don't have to be afraid! Maybe you already have a meditation practice, yay! Keep doing that daily! And if you don't then let me share a really easy way to start to practice meditation!
It's called the Century Breath. You're going to breathe in through your nose and out through your nose (or mouth if you need to). When you inhale, you're going to fill your belly completely. Then on your exhale you're going to pull your belly in. Focus on about a second per inhale and a second or less for the exhale. Feel your belly really pull in on the exhale. This is similar to fire breath, if you've done that one before, but doesn't have to be super-fast. An inhale and exhale is one. You're going to count each breath, and when your mind wanders, you're going to start back at one. Set a timer to begin this practice and try to see how high you count get in 10 minutes. Eventually, you'll be able to get to 100! When you get to 100, start back at one. See if you can add more sessions as you practice, maybe even getting up to 2 or 3 10-minute practices a day.
Some people make the mistake of thinking that meditation is just about sitting there silently for some amount of time. But this won't help you much. Meditation is more about learning how to focus your mind and gently move away from thoughts. You're not going to shame or judge yourself when you lose the count. Just notice your mind has wandered, then gently and immediately bring it back to the breath. Thoughts are not the enemy! Thoughts are a healthy part of living. But learning to not be taken away by every single thought is a valuable skill and one that will make you a more present lover!
Once you practice this skill, or any meditation technique you prefer, you will start to notice the thoughts taking you away from sex. And your practice will help you develop the skills to bring your attention back to it. I don't recommend counting your breaths in sex. This may feel mechanical and take you away from your partner(s) in different ways. But you will be able to focus your attention on whatever you like. And to be honest, pleasure is a lot easier to focus on than breath because it's so fun!
I dare you to give this a try and not tell your partner and just see what they start to say about your sex! They may not be able to exactly put their finger on why it got better, but you'll know! And if you don't have a partner, try it on your solo pleasure! Instead of relying on outside sources for pleasure like fantasies or porn, keep returning your focus to your pleasure and experience and see how you feel about it! I think you might be surprised. It's ok if it takes a few tries to get it, though! Give yourself so much space and grace to figure it out! These old patterns can be tough to break!
INSPIRED ACTION: You can even choose to take this presence you develop to the breast massage or cock massage to make them even better! If you already tried those tools, then give them another go with cultivated presence this time! Watch how your connection to your partner, your connection to your own pleasure, and your energy all get that much better when you cultivate presence!
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