I Had A Dozen Threesomes Last Week, and This Is What Surprised Me

Last week I had a dozen threesomes all with the same girl and my partner. What I didn't expect was how much it would make me think about a bathroom in Laurel, Delaware 20 years ago!

I've been in polyamorous relationships for a decade and have had over 100 threesomes. But this past week was different. And what it confirmed for me made me want to write it all down, because I get a lot of questions about being poly and about threesomes, and most of the advice out there is either too surface-level or skips over the important stuff it takes to actually do this successfully!

So here's my honest threesome experience personal story, plus everything I've learned about how to make polyamory (poly, open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, ENM) actually work.

Why I Wanted Threesomes in the First Place (And What That Was Really About)

I was just reading something from @charlesmyssy on Instagram about how kinks and fantasies don't make you wrong or bad. They reveal the trauma you never faced or struggled with the most. And that framing perfectly captures why so many people struggle with their own desires around consensual non-monogamy.

I define kink as anything non-traditional in the societal definition of sex. And yes, threesomes are a kink. And yes, I had to do a lot of inner work to understand myself before I could actually enjoy them.

It took me a long time to find it under all the rage, but what was really there was loneliness. Abandoned by my father, carrying childhood sexual trauma that I kept secret from everyone for years. I felt completely alone even when I was in a room full of people. And from a young age I fantasized about threesomes. More people in the room made me feel safer, less alone, less hidden.

That's the trick about polyamory and group sex. Your deepest wounds will show up. They showed up for me before I even knew what they were.

My First Threesome (And Why It Didn't Work)

The girl we spent this past week with told us it was her first threesome. And that brought up my own first threesome story.

I was 16 or 17. I was hanging out with my sluttiest friend in Laurel, Delaware (and I mean slutty as a compliment here). We needed to buy weed, which was very illegal at the time, so we ended up at her dealer's house. We were two young, hot girls and got asked to stick around and smoke. Eventually the dealer's roommates came home, a little older, cute, and after a few beers they asked me to take a shower with them.

I was excited. It all happened so fast I can't even remember their names. I never saw them again.

But it didn't make me feel seen, or less alone. I was kind of just a third thrown into the middle of their relationship. Not very highly valued.

That's the thing I didn't quite have words for at the time. Being the third and feeling disposable are not the same thing, but they can be if nobody's paying attention. That experience planted a seed in me about what I didn't want, long before I knew what I did.

What Actually Makes a Threesome Work: Safety, Trust, and Consent (Yes, Really)

I know. The least sexy advice. But I've come to believe the least sexy things are the building blocks for the most sexy things to arrive.

When I met my partner Sweet Potato, he had three other play partners. I had dated enough in the poly world to know I was done with monogamous people just "trying out" non-monogamy without doing the actual work. I only wanted to date someone who actively identified as poly.

We spent a lot of time just the two of us first. We communicated our needs, experimented with edgy things, made mistakes, and learned from them. We didn't rush into threesomes. They mostly happened naturally, as an extension of what we'd already built. As a way to go deeper together.

Consent is a skill, not a checkbox. Through learning to consent expansively around rope play, impact, choking, denial, and more, we got really good at navigating it together. We explored sex parties, had specific consent conversations before each one, and debriefed after about what worked and what didn't.

If you're not actively developing your consent skills with your partner, you're not ready for a threesome. A lot of couples just hope for the best and then freeze when things get intense.

Like, can you tell your partner how much you love them during the threesome? Most couples don't even think about this question, but it can have huge consequences if it comes up wrong in the middle of the act. You'll never be able to script every scenario. But learning to bounce back when things go slightly off the rails is the skill that makes everything else possible.

Alpha Sub: Our Unique Threesome Dynamic

Something we've naturally discovered in our dynamic is what we call alpha sub.

I love to be submissive. And linking this back to my trauma, it's because I had to be so hyper-independent and controlling just to survive my childhood. But I also love being in power, probably from spending so long feeling powerless. So what's developed is me being the top sub under Sweet Potato.

Here's how it actually plays out. Sweet Potato has ADHD, which is relevant. When he's Domming he gets incredibly focused, but sometimes he loses track of the smaller details. He'll tell her to keep her hands above her head, then gets three orders deep and forgets about the hands. But I'm watching and hearing everything. If she puts her hands down, I get to tattle on her, he gets to punish her, and he rewards me.

So I'm supporting him in Domming her while getting little perks along the way. He can also give me jobs, like if she keeps moving her hands, I get to hold them above her head. It's playful, structured, and deeply consensual, something we'd talked through before the play started. And in our experience, other subs tend to love having that double Dom energy directed at them.

But I'm still very much his sub. That's what alpha sub means. I have power in the dynamic and I'm also still underneath him in it. It's not a contradiction. It's just a more layered architecture that everyone seems to enjoy a lot!

A friend I told this story to said my life reads like a smut novel. I completely agree. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

When Everything Just Flowed

This recent week of threesomes was completely unplanned. Sweet Potato had a play partner from out of town visiting for the week. I had never met her. I don't make sexual promises before I've actually met someone and felt the chemistry, so I had zero expectations going in.

I let them have their time together first. Let her feel comfortable in my presence. Then it all expanded from there, naturally, over days.

One thing that was different this time was that I didn't need to have many consent conversations with her directly. I was following Sweet Potato's lead, and I trusted completely that he knew what she had already consented to. That trust made everything flow. I didn't have to pause or carry any background fear that we were doing something she didn't want. He knew what I wanted and what she wanted, and as the Dom he held it all perfectly.

Expectations will kill the vibe every time. A wise man once told me that expectations are just premeditated disappointments. I get genuinely excited watching Sweet Potato have fun. That's called compersion in the non-monogamy world, and it's real, and it's one of the things I love most about this life.

The Third Is a Person (Not a Plaything)

The third is an autonomous human who deserves respect, courtesy, and kindness. They are not a toy you can discard the moment things get complicated. They don't deserve to watch you two argue in the middle of it. They deserve to feel appreciated, real, and whole.

Is your communication with your partner including how to actually treat this person well? What verbal or non-verbal cues could you have between the two of you to flag an issue before it escalates? What if the third has feelings come up, as they often do, especially if it's their first time? Can you both pause and make them feel seen and cared for?

And what happens when one of you is just watching the other two? Because this will happen. That's part of the game of threesomes, the many different combinations, and sometimes one person is just watching. I love to watch, so it's completely fine for me. But you might not know how you feel until it happens. Make space for that possibility too.

Are You Actually Ready for a Threesome?

If this is the first time, your deepest wounds are likely going to get activated, and you might be in trouble. Not trouble you can't come back from, but it's going to be a lot harder if you don't know how to handle what comes up.

My traumas have definitely surfaced in threesomes. The difference is I know the tricks my mind plays. I know how to speak to those parts, how to make them feel seen and heard, so they don't take over. These old patterns helped me survive. I'm grateful for them. And they don't run the show anymore.

That's really what made this week possible. Not the decade of experience, not the 100-plus threesomes. The inner work. And it was so seamless, that I wasn't event bothered once!

If you're wondering whether your past pain and old patterns will get in the way of the open relationship or the threesome experience you actually want, let's talk. That's exactly what I do as a Sexual Liberation Coach. Your desires are not the problem. What's blocking you from them is. Check it out: www.lonateachesbliss.com/coaching

INSPIRED ACTION: Write down every way you can imagine a threesome going wrong. Every fear, every awkward scenario, every "what if." Until you and your partner have honestly talked through that list together, any threesome is a ticking time bomb. Start there.