Tantra Humbled Me

I thought I had some shit figured out. Like, I thought I was on my way in spirituality. I was reading the books, meditating all the time, doing energy work practices, having life changing workshops, transforming my problems at their root. I never thought I was an expert in Tantra, but I thought I was at least an intermediate practitioner. Not a... beginner! Then I initiated into an ancient Tantra lineage, and I saw just how naive I was. This is how Tantra humbled me.

It wasn't that I lacked willpower, or integrity. No. What I lacked was a teacher/guru to show me where I wasn't letting myself progress. To show me that I was actually a beginner. Sure, in Neo Tantra I could probably be considered a high-level practitioner. But in Tantra? In the depths of a huge spiritual initiation and journey? I was absolutely, unequivocally a novice.

I first met Anusha through my VITA coaching certification; she was going through it the same year I was. She chose her words wisely. She didn't over speak, but she shared her message with precision and grace. She wasn't there to prove anything, but she did show up sometimes to point out where we were missing the mark. We were in the same retreat week in Costa Rica, and I cried when she gifted every person there (almost 100 people) with a crystal bead bracelet that had been dipped in the waters of the sacred Kamakhya Temple in India. It is said that the water that flows from this temple is coming directly from the Goddess Sati's yoni. I wept as she gave it to me, and it is still one of my most prized possessions.

Then she really struck me when she shared a message on our private VITA Facebook group. She was calling out the appropriation of Tantra, especially in our group. You see, she comes from the birthplace of Tantra, where it first emerged in the world. But most of us in the group come from the West. Our understanding of Tantra is so clouded, and she wasn't trying to shame anyone, she was trying to delicately bring our attention to things we may not have understood. Things that the program wasn't fully touching on.

At first, I got defensive. If you've been with me since the beginning, I used to call myself a Tantra Teacher. I was certified by a master as a Tantra Teacher, and I didn't really think much of it. That's the title I had been given by someone who knew a lot more than me. But instead of shaming me, or judging me, she showed me the cracks in that thinking. She invited me deeper into an inquiry, and I spent a whole afternoon meditating on it and researching it.

And I came to the conclusion that I was wrong. That night I changed my title to Neo Tantra Teacher and couldn't be happier with that evolution! If you want to read more about the difference between Tantra and Neo Tantra then read this blog: What is Neo Tantra, Though?

I am so grateful to Anusha for calling us out in a way that actually helped me transform. And I'm so grateful to myself that I remain open to new truths, and am not afraid to change my mind. I sent a message to her explaining that I had changed my title to Neo Tantra Teacher, and that I was looking for a guru to help my practice go even deeper. I saw that my path was solidly Neo Tantra, and wanted more. She shared that she was taking on new students.

This weighed heavily on my mind. To initiate into an ancient Tantric lineage? It sounded like a lot, and I got nervous. I had heard from several people that initiating was a huge step, one that was not for the faint of heart. That it would push you to your edges and bring you back changed. I couldn't stop thinking about it and fearing it. It floated around my mind for about a year. Then I did Ayahuasca.

Through the 3 nights of journeys, Anusha came to me multiple times. By the end of the weekend, I knew without a doubt that I was ready to initiate. I reached out to her after the journey, and she laughed when I asked to initiate. She said that the Goddess had told her over the same weekend to initiate me. She said it didn't make sense at the time because we hadn't spoken in so long, but now it all made perfect sense. We had a call so I could begin to understand what was going to happen.

Forty-five days. That's how long the initiation was. An hour of practice a day. And if you missed a day? You had to start back over at the beginning. It took me several months to find the time to really make it work. And I decided that the final new moon of 2024 would be it. December 30th, 2024 was a day that changed me. I was done waiting and aching to begin. But I was scared of failure, too.

If I failed, that meant that my years of practice in Neo Tantra didn't prepare me! I also am very competitive and didn't want to be seen as a failure. I told Anusha I was nervous, and she asked about what. I said, how will the Goddess react if I fail? She said that the Goddess is like a nurturing mother, if you fall off the path, she will help you find it again. This relaxed everything so that to begin the journey in good faith. I barely made any plans to leave the house in those 45 days. I told my partner that I needed his support, and that the practice came first before anything else in my life. I gave up drinking and drugs so that I wouldn't get distracted. I did the practice first thing in the morning so I wouldn't miss it.

And after 45 days under Anusha's guidance, I had completed the initiation! I was so freaking proud of myself that I cried happy tears all day! And you know what? Nothing I had ever done in Neo Tantra had gotten that reaction in me. Sure, I did practices that long many times. Sure, I meditated daily. Sure, I had experiences like that before. But to be held by the lineage, and to make it through their practice was like a breath of fresh air! Something to be eternally proud of, and something to celebrate!

I learned in that time just how much a beginner I was. My mind would rush around when I was trying to listen to her, songs would play in my head to distract me, sometimes I had trouble sitting still, I would yawn and break my concentration. But this is all part of the process. I realized that when I meditated in my old way it was more of a way to relax and rest, not a way to go deeper into my mind.

I started to see how chanting was an amazing addition to meditation, that it really harnessed my focus. I had never enjoyed chanting as much as this practice. And at the same time, something started to blossom within me. A connection to the lineage, a connection to the Divine Mother. But a baby connection, at that. I continually saw how novice I was over and over again.

I think that was the biggest lesson I got out of the initiation. I was humbled in the face of authentic Tantric practices. I needed that. To be knocked down a peg. I have this really high self-esteem and confidence in my life. Forged from trauma, hyper independence, and competition. I believe in myself a lot. And for good reason. But there has always been room for improvement on the humility scale.

I think that everyone gets exactly what they need from an initiation like this. It's built that way. And I also know that hyper individualism is one of the main downfalls of our system today. Some people think that their thoughts, their emotions, their conclusions are the highest knowledge available. So, they don't listen to anything that contradicts that narrative. It's a very slippery slope into the alt-right, and one that I keep seeing the left fall into (hello RFK supporters).

But when you start to see lineages, and masters, and divine beings as something greater than you and you can open yourself up to honest self-criticism, inquiry into your beliefs, and open to things that run counter to your life experience you are finding a much more valuable path. One that won't hold you back with your brain shutting down to protect itself and your delicate belief system. One without cognitive dissonance. But one that shines in the face of information. Not that you can be swayed like the wind by every argument, but one rooted in deep trust, knowing, and information.

And this is where I find myself now. Open to the knowledge, wisdom, and insight of a trusted lineage. Guided personally by a Guru to help me see what I'm missing. And led back to myself to trust my experience in it all. I think it's incredibly important in the spiritual field to have a path that includes a lineage to lean on the wisdom, a Guru to guide you personally, and to learn to trust your inner guides along the way. Without the triad, you may get lost in the "spiritual" content and miss the harder lessons along the way. It will be easy to float along on the superficial and never reach the depths in a spiritual practice.

INSPIRED ACTION: Are you just floating on the surface hoping for dramatic changes, but not going deeper? Are you becoming hyper individualistic and not trusting elders, masters, or teachers along the way? Or are you still searching for your path? You could search for years before you find one you feel aligned with. Let it take time to find, and when you find it dive in! Trusting that you'll stay attuned to your own experience and nervous system along the way so you don't get taken advantage of either. Any path that makes you give up your autonomy, consent, or power is not a path you want to follow. But one that empowers you, respects you, and challenges you could truly be an amazing thing.